My National Parks: Redwood

Content note: Drugs, animal death, eating, natural disasters

Redwood National Park is located in Northern California along the coast. Did you know that one of the most exciting things at Redwood is the trees? That took me by surprise because I was thinking it was gonna be the hippies or the grass, or maybe even that smokable grass I hear so much about. Yes, counterintuitively, the dominant feature of this park is the Coastal Redwood trees or Sequoia sempervirens (I use the Latin to impress the ladies).
According to cryptozoologists, Bigfoot resides at this park. That’s a very ridiculous belief since I’ve already killed all the bigfeet. They might have been able to find remains and confirm their theory, but I always got rid of the evidence. I don't want to get in trouble for war crimes or anything. Though I do want to keep murdering sentient apes. Most of my animosity towards Bigfoot stems from that movie Harry and the Hendersons. I really hated that smug asshole.

The Northern Spotted Owl is known to hang out at this park. It is endangered by the more aggressive Barred Owl and soon to be by me. I am elated by the sheer existence of the Barred Owl since the more aggressive animals are cool and remind me of myself. If I could swoop down like a Barred Owl and eat a Spotted Owl right out of the air, I would. That's why I'm training at hang gliding right now. Just you wait Spotted Owl. Just you wait!

Earthquakes, landslides, and occasional tsunamis make this park really exciting. As a park ranger I'm supposed to pass out pamphlets or post signs throughout the park warning about the dangers of landslides and tsunamis. Gosh, what a way to ruin people's fun. How are people supposed to be surprised if they know about the dangers of these events in advance? That's why I normally just use the pamphlets as toilet paper.

This park is home to the the most ancient trees in America. The people from ChopCo Lumber LLC were skeptical when I told them they could come harvest the old growth redwoods, but I assured them I was a U.S. park ranger and that my supervisor was on her vacation. I told them to just cut and remove trees a little more quietly so as not to disturb too many delicate lifeforms. 

Redwood is really beautiful and perhaps one of the best national parks (better than Yellowstone) and right up there with Yosemite (which you should also visit). No, I am totally not being bribed by the Governor of California to sell you on visiting California or anything. 

This is totally not a desperate attempt here to help balance the budget with tourism dollars, so stop asking. Californians are always cool and could never have any problems ever, not even massive debt. Visit the redwoods today! And Death Valley too! Also, check out the gift shop.

Wanna buy this book? Or maybe a computer file that looks like this book?

Minefield, Kentucky

Content note: explosions, kidnapping

No one knew why the town of Minefield, Kentucky was so named. The townsfolk were very curious. Unfortunately, every time the town’s historian would come close to finding out, they would die in a horrible explosion while taking a walk. No one knew why, but this did mean that the town would have to continuously hire new historians to investigate its mysterious name.

 

Minefield could have figured out the mystery sooner, but there were too many government agencies creating needless bureaucracy. Minefield had a state-run Department of History, a Department of the History of the History Department, ad infinitum.

One historian did eventually figure out the origin of Minefield’s name, but he mysteriously disappeared in a town mysteriously named Abduction Zone City. Another historian claimed that Minefield gets its mysterious name from having been a former land mine test site full of unexploded land mines, but since she lives in Anonymous City, her credentials as a historian cannot be verified--thus her claims cannot be believed by anyone.

Eventually Minefield’s citizens figured out that historians were terrible at figuring out this mysterious town's history and a team of geographers were hired instead. Shortly afterward, April McCartographer was awarded the Nobel Prize in Cartographic History for figuring out that Minefield got its name because people were mysteriously exploding due to spontaneous human combustion...oh..and abandoned mines detonating. But the mines were not terribly necessary for the explanation.

Don't live each day like it's your last

Content note: death, cancer, suicide

The various self-help experts of the world are always advising people to live each day like it’s the last one they have. This is horrible advice because:

-You could end up making amends with former friends who you’ve wronged. Look, those guys were assholes anyway, now they’re gonna want to drink with you, throw you parties and help you move your stuff into your apartment. And give you obnoxiously sound advice. Fuck that!

-It is very tricky to squeeze all those malignant tumors into your organs without proper medical training.

-This approach might work for you if you live on on the planet Gl'x'nrk 7 in the Cygnus star cluster, since their last day of life is spent in perpetual bliss.

-Another inconvenient fact about this approach is that the funeral directors and crematoriums don’t appreciate all the false alarms when you tell them you’ll be decomposing in a few days.

-The worst part is having to do awkward confessions of past offenses and have everyone get all pissed because of all the affairs and lies and murders.

-Breaking into a federal prison and demanding a last meal is kind of difficult.

-You might choose to live your last day on Earth paying your bills, eating boring food and having a lackluster conversation with a coworker you don’t like. If that’s how you would spend your last day, this approach may disappoint you greatly.

-Your spouse will always be pissed at you for all the suicide notes you’ll leave around the house.

Of course, if it is your last day alive you should spend part of it reading My National Parks, a kindle tour of the wilderness led by an irresponsible park ranger.

Fuck you, Ayn Rand!

Content note: cancer, vehicular assault, death

For some reason our office ends up getting all of the hatemail sent to philosophers. Here's some intended for 20th century Objectivist Ayn Rand.


Dear Ayn Rand,
I tried your philosophy out and it was great at first. But now I find myself running over poor people on a daily basis. I just hate those parasites. Before I read any of your works, I merely pitied the poor, but now I really hate them. This has caused me to dent up my car considerably, and now I have to buy a new car because of your philosophy. I’d ask you for some better solutions, but you didn’t even do what was in your best self-interest for yourself and smoked yourself to death. So any further advice from you would be worthless.

-Lexus Mourner in Lafayette

Dear Ayn Rand,
I am very disappointed in you Ayn Rand. I read your book Atlas Shrugged and I thought, boy, as a rich guy, maybe if I step down from my rich company, I would make a big impact and people would see the importance of rich people, and just how dependent they are on them. So I stepped down from my position at Apple by being killed by pancreatic cancer. And guess what? Everyone misses me, but they don’t miss me because I was really rich. Also, the company seems to be running just fine without me. Your philosophy is a garbage pile. Who is John Galt by the way? I never actually finished Atlas Shrugged to be quite honest. It was too boring.

-Steve Job’s Ghost

Dear Ayn Rand,
I’m glad you’re worm food right now. I liked your philosophy of self-determination. It seemed great. But then I kicked all my poor family members out of my house for not being rich and successful entrepreneurs. Now nobody loves me. And then when I became a rich, successful entrepreneur, I found that a bunch of the other rich successful entrepreneurs were liberals who didn’t give a shit about trying to fill a mountain full of goal and to live in it like a dragon. They did stuff like pay taxes and donate to charities. Bunch of fucking altruist, commie bastards. Being rich sucks, I want to be poor again and hang out with my poor friends and family. But now I can’t give up my money because I like it too much. This is literally the worst position a person could be in.

-Resentfully Rich in Richmond
 

It's in your best interest to check out our book, Unbelievable History, since it's only $10 and makes fun of Ayn Rand.

Realistic Fairy Tales

Content note: spiders, eugenics

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall ‘cause he was pretty bad at risk assessment. I mean, I wouldn’t hang out precariously if I was an egg. Anyway the King was conflicted. He was repulsed by this egg monster, but Humpty was a legal citizen and so the king was obliged to help. As a compromise, he gave the job to the horses. They couldn’t help the egg monster since they were ungulates without the requisite dexterous fingers required to perform surgery. But this constituted a "make work" project that helped the Kingdom's unemployment numbers. The End.

Rapunzel


Rapunzel was imprisoned in the tower for what the villagers assumed were crimes against humanity. Eventually an aspiring eugenicist sought her assistance. She let down her hair so that he could ascend. Having a full-grown man climb her hair caused a lot of pain. You’re probably thinking that she was lovely. She was except for the hair which was filled with various species of rodents and arachnids. The eugenicist didn’t agree though, as he had never seen pest-free follicles and thought her breathtaking. So after the eugenicist rescued her and found out she wasn’t a war criminal, she got a pixie cut and then awkwardly blew him off for a few weeks until he got the hint that she wasn’t interested. The End.

Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time, a girl named Little Red Riding-Hood went to visit her grandmother. Her grandmother was doing fine because 1. the wolves that live near her cottage are scared of humans and avoided conflicts with her and 2. Little Red Riding-Hood’s country had socialized medicine and grandma’s medical needs were met. A huntsman showed up to save them both from wolves, but since there wasn’t any danger, he was able to relax while Little Red Riding-Hood educated him about maintaining biodiversity. The End.

And they all lived adequately ever after.

My National Parks released for Kindle

This is  second book with many more in the works. It's all about the National Parks service, or more specifically the actions of a rogue park ranger wreaking havoc in the National Parks. The Kindle edition is available for purchase now, the printed ones (including large print and OpenDyslexic versions) will be available early May 2016. We'll begin posting sample chapters shortly.

Buy it here!

Conservative Healthcare Tips

Content note: victim blaming, assault, guns

Many people are worried about what they’ll do if the Affordable Care Act is repealed, as many GOP politicians have promised to do. If that happens, everything will be just fine. Here are some useful tips brought to you by the Conservative Lifestyle Coalition of American Freedom to make this transition a bit easier.

-Expensive healthcare plans can be difficult to manage on a low income. You should chose to make more money.

-Often the biggest expenses can come from having to pay a high deductible after your covered visits are exhausted. You can avoid visiting the doctor that often by not getting sick or injured or having any chronic health problems.

-Remember that whatever health problems you have are probably the result of bad decisions that you alone are responsible. This won’t help with costs, just remember that it’s your fault.

-If you ever begin to feel like socialized medicine might be a better system just remember that it’s important to be fiscally responsible. It would be better to just keep going to the ER and accruing debt that you can’t pay off. At least that system is fiscally responsible.

-Really when you stop to think about it, going to the doctor at all is a bit too much top-down interference. Just let the “free market” that is your internal organ set-up determine whether you live or die. No need to drag meddling “experts” in.

-A good many people are being driven to “alternative” medicines to allow them to self-medicate without pesky regulations interfering with their choices. This is clearly a good thing and will never be abused by opportunistic scam artists. Basically, the more regulations you have, the less efficient things go. So if you have no regulations at all your body will work at it’s most efficient yet, getting you from birth to the grave in record time. 

-If you are not able to afford insurance and can’t get Medicaid because it has been justly cut to near non-existence, try to make sure that you use the goons hired by the collection agency to get treatment. Instead of getting that expensive knee surgery, just say “What are ya gonna do, break my legs?” Then the brutal assault on your knees will commence making your legs just fine. OK, it might not fix it, but it can’t make it any worse, your knees are pretty fucked up.

-Your healthcare problems could really just be fixed by an attitude change. It’s time to stop letting “disease” victimize you. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Especially if the disease you have has something to do with droopy boots.

-Some injuries might be caused by violence perpetrated by other people. Just in case, you should make sure you are heavily armed at all times. Yes, guns are an expensive thing to keep around, but spending hundreds of dollars a month buying guns is surely cheaper than having healthcare. It’s a preventative measure.

If these tips don’t help, just remember that if we had socialized medicine the streets would be littered with corpses because of long lines in the hospital. Then socialized mortuaries would be clogged up with long lines. The point is that we must make any and all sacrifices to avoid long lines.