Back To School Tips

Content note: bullying, slutshaming, assault, death

Summer is nearly over, and with a new school year looming, we here at Carl Sagan's Dance Party wanted to provide some useful tips for those returning to the halls of academia.

-If you are a kindergartener going to your first day of school, keep in mind that if any of the other kids make fun of you, it’s because you’ve made a critical social faux pas and this will go into your permanent record. Are you writing this down, kindergartners?

-When starting middle school for the first time, be proactive. Do not wait for the bullies to come beat you up. Just scope out the scene and look for any potential bullies and begin fighting them as soon as possible. Do not even let them introduce themselves to you. That's just a typical bully trick. If bullies protest that they are pacifist and only want to be your friend, fight back even harder. If the aforementioned bully dies from the wrath of your 12-year-old onslaught of hellish fury, hire a psychic to come to the playground and destroy the remnants of the bully's soul, preventing any kind of possession-revenge.

-If you’re a middle-schooler and you are coming back to school and seeing all the girls that you’ve grown up with throughout the years, it is very important that you only notice their new boobies. Make sure you mention this. The more frequently you bring it up, the better.
Girls, if you're a middle-schooler and you've just got boobs, take note of your new cup size. If they are too big, you are a slut.

-If you happen to be an atheist/agnostic and you want to know how to properly start off a good year when your class is saying the pledge, don't avoid saying the pledge. That would just create social awkwardness. Instead just laugh when everyone says under god. Laughter will break right through that social awkwardness, believe you me.

-Getting in the habit of studying is important. Distractions are always an issue. Make sure that you end any possible friendships that might distract way from otherwise good studying. Tell your best friend to get a life when he/she wants to hang out with you. Tell any of your friendly cousins to bugger off. Disown any of your family members who want to participate in any fun activities. Crying yourself to sleep every night is a clear indication that a good study habit is developing. If you get this far congratulations!

-Some people lose interest in school because they do not believe that the knowledge learned in school will ever be applicable to real life. These people will be quite surprised when the difference between life and death will be knowing when Train A will arrive in Denver at 250 miles an hour if Train B and C both left New York at 4:00 P.M. at speeds of 200 MPH and 300 MPH respectively. These people will not ever know when Earl will arrive with the 20 apples.

-Always address your Ph.D. professors as "(Insert full name here) Ph.D."  Also address anyone without a Ph.D. as a “wannabe Ph.D.”  Make sure you give them their own unique serial numbers after the title "Ph.D. wannabe" regardless of whether they're faculty, staff, or students.  It doesn't matter if a student responds, "the name is Claire."  Just respond, "Okay, wannabe Ph.D.591469960."  This will help you adapt more quickly in the academic world as you only have to deal with two groups of people in your own mind.

And if you don't care about doing well in school, you can always get a job making puns for nickels on Twitter.

 

 

Live blogging the 2016 DNC

Here are all the highlights from this election cycle's DNC in chronological order.

-Martin O'Malley reportedly asking all the other primary competitors if they feel "all this sexual tension right now"

-Not sure what the Bernie or Bust crowd is planning but they have a moving truck full of raw shrimp they're trying to sneak in.

-
Big misstep by Tim Kaine. It's not so much that he called Bernie Sanders a "sex rodent" but that he wouldn't say it to his face.

-Clinton is directing questions about cursed relics to the glowing raven that follows her and speaks in a forgotten tongue.

-Michelle Obama's speech overly defensive in her assertions that nothing happened between her and Chuck Todd in the Rose Garden.    

-Bernie Sanders is booed off the stage for suggesting that "America has no way of finding Captain Kidd's buried treasure"

-In a surprise move Al Gore endorsed Hillary Clinton and also said he's in love with me. I had no idea. I like him as a friend.

-Corey Booker forced to tone down his rhetoric after a staffer was injured by one of the many thrown panties lobbed at him.

-Elizabeth Warren shows her political skill by challenging the BernieBros to fisticuffs. Her bloodyknuckled speech is received in silence.

-Despite desperate pleas from party officials Sanders insists on playing every Pete Seeger song he knows on his acoustic guitar.

-Looks like the party is deadset on Clinton and we won't get the nominee we deserve (a cocker spaniel dressed like a cowboy)

-Former vice presidential hopeful Sherrod Brown subtly trying to find out if Clinton is interested in "one of those trendy 'open presidencies'"

-Party officials now threatening to revoke my press pass if I don't stop urinating on enemy delegates. So much for free speech!

-Clinton goes on a walk to relax. Accidentally starts stump speech when she sees a raccoon "I too am a misunderstood beast"

-Ol' Uncle Mondale telling that story about how he just barely lost to Reagan. "I almost had 'em."

-Potential trouble for Clinton. President Obama is refusing to give his speech unless she pays up on their last bar bet.

-Time for the Excitement Express, aw yeah let's get on the motherfuckin' Kaine Train can't stop won't stop.

-Very orderly compared to the RNC. The GOP let people be eaten by the Snake God, but the Democrats put caution tape around it.

-Chelsea Clinton's speech clearly an ad for a vaping corporation. "Vote for my mom too, I guess" she said from inside her cloud.

-BernieBro demands no onions on his hamburger. He is given one without onions and immediately throws it on the ground "NO ONIONS!"

-This whole night has been about progressive values and rising above bigotry. But not one word in defense of traditional Ghostbusters.

-Big faux pas tonight as Clinton accidentally takes the stage in the robes of the Illuminati instead of her signature pantsuit.

-Several people paid to express opinions on serious topics opine about whether or not a woman looked "human enough"

I also did this nonsense for the Republican National Convention, but no one could see what I wrote from the smoke of that garbage fire.

Buy Funny Tweets in Bulk Packs of 20 to Save Money

We could all use a break after a week like that. Here's some of Twitter's finest bringing you the jokes.

Important Facts About Shelter

This was originally posted a few years back on our old website. Hope you enjoy jokes about extremely niche indie video games.

With its entrancing art style and immersive gameplay, it has single-handedly revitalized the overdone and cliched genre of badger simulators. Here are some interesting facts that you may not know about Shelter.

-As some loud political activists have been saying for decades, video games influence people. The evidence is clear. Since the launch of Shelter, the number of people who have lost their children to eagle attacks have dropped dramatically.

-The only other game in the genre to get quite so much instantaneous fan support was of course Bethesda’s 2007 cicada sim Do Nothing But Eat Roots for 13 Years.

-PETA protested the game because the mother badger must kill foxes in order to feed her young. To placate them, Might and Delight published a mod which made all of the prey animals into people, which worked out since PETA doesn’t care about those.

-If you complete the game without losing any cubs, that night your game will be deleted and in its place will be one live badger, hand delivered by agents of Might And Delight. Care for it well, as we know you can. This method of using video games to determine competency for real jobs has a rich tradition from The Last Starfighter, Polybius, and the United States Senate.

-If you play Shelter long enough, you may find that certain changes in your routine will occur. Do not be alarmed if you find yourself digging holes or braving the stings of an angered swarm of bees to pilfer the sweet honey inside. Deep down inside this is who you are. The uneasy sensation you feel as you wander naked through the woods defending your territory is only the natural precursor to growing a thick coat of fur. Embrace the change. The longer you live your life as a badger, the more humans will leave your life making more room for the badger within. This is right.
 

Speaking of things from years ago, here's a link to our first book, Unbelievable History, which you are permitted to buy with legal tender if you feel so inclined.

My National Parks: Mount Revelstoke

Content note: Drugs, cultural appropriation, decay, corpses, animal abuse, animal death

I had a rough time the first few weeks I was here. There was some confusion about it being outside of my jurisdiction since this park is in the Canadian region of America. Being an expert on nature, I knew this to be a threat to my supremacy as the alpha and I met the challenge by bashing my head into those who questioned me.

As a predator first and a Park Ranger second, I often find myself wanting to help out the other predators in our national parks. I'm often giving the wolves and grizzlies steroids in order to strengthen them for when they encounter potential prey. If I find that bald eagles are having poorer eyesight than average, I will help foot the bill for their lasik eye surgery. Of course, I am not totally altruistic since I steal most of this money for these procedures from my supervisor when she’s on her lunch break. I find that predators are basically the best animals that nature could produce, so why can't a human being intervene and help them every once and while. Our unjust God never seems to do so.

I do the opposite to prey. Usually I'll give sedatives to the black tailed deer, mountain goats, dall sheep, and salmon. Of course, I give sedatives to the sea otters just for the fun of it since I like to displace them from their natural locations and see the confused looks on their faces. It's really funny when you put a sea otter on the peak of a mountain.

When I first time I saw a moose, I asked the park superintendent what happened to its stripes. He said I was probably thinking of zebras and I asked if I could get the moose with stripes if I paid extra. He explained that the moose weren't upgradable and only came with their current set of features. He told me I could see Zebras at the zoo in Vancouver if I really wanted to. Pssh! Those are just cheap horses with some stripes painted on. I saw a unicorn once and that kind of makes every horse you see after that seem amazingly mundane. Unless you can install horns and majesty, what’s the point? Same thing with these moose.

You just can’t get any upgrades on these animals. Mother Nature's customer service really stinks. I thought about taking the superintendent’s advice and getting the hell out of his park and checking out the zoo. Sadly unlike the National Parks, you can’t just kill every animal you see. 

Buy the book here!
Or the ebook.

20 Tweets That Really Were Pretty Good

Another week, another collection of jokes from that site that's actually a front for a large-scale behavioral research study. 

My National Parks: Mesa Verde

Content note: Corpses, murder, violence by animals, guns, decay, animal death

Mesa Verde is located in Montezuma County, Colorado, which is where I disposed of my neighbors' bodies. Mesa Verde, believe it or not, is a national park. It is national in the sense that it is in our nation. It is a park in the sense that you go there and have fun with the kids. There also might be slides and swings and such. No one really knows.

It's commonly believed that it is called Mesa Verde, “green table,” because Spanish explorers in the late 1700s described the tree-covered plateaus as being like green tables. In fact, it's actually called Mesa Verde because visitors are constantly moving about in the park. At nearby Mesa Amarilla park visitors are moving around slowly and cautiously. And in Mesa Roja the tourists are frozen in place. 

When I first wanted to work at Mesa Verde I thought that I was going to find Salsa Verde for my chips. But I totally do not know Spanish and so the words Mesa and Salsa seem indistinguishable to me. People asked how, if they seemed indistinguishable to me, I able to make out the word "verde" and connect that with Salsa Verde and thus become mistaken over that whole ordeal? Look, I’m the tour guide here, I’ll ask the questions.

A lot of people go to the Grand Canyon to see the face of God. But at Mesa Verde, people go to it to see the face of Dios. Teddy Roosevelt felt Dios' presence and was inspired to protect Mesa Verde by making it a national park in 1906. His wife wished he had protected her too before she got eaten by those bears. It's a shame Teddy Roosevelt didn't have me around in those early days. I would have protected any area of land, whether legally protected or not. And I would've definitely enjoyed doing it, whether armed with an illegally acquired semi-automatic or not.

Like Chaco Canyon and the Grand Canyon, Mesa Verde has preserved pueblos. In the other puebloed parks, I renovated the pueblos and lived in them with my family. But I thought I'd be more respectful of history in Mesa Verde. I only occupy the Pueblos in their present condition. Sure, there are buffalo carcasses everywhere throughout the pueblo and many visitors find it smelly and gross. But, I live in the pueblo only the way I assume the ancient Puebloans would have done it. I haven’t researched that or anything, but I’m sure I’m honoring their ways. 
 

You can buy a full copy of My National Parks for your Kindle or bookcase.

my national parks cover icon.gif

TRAP Laws for Guns

On Monday the Supreme Court issued a historic ruling against Texan TRAP(Targeted Regulation of Abortion Providers) laws. These are regulations on abortion providers that serve no purpose other than to raise the operating costs of the facility to shut it down. What I couldn't help thinking of is just how much backlash there would have been from the Right if the same tactic had been applied to their sacred guns instead of people with uteruses.

-Gun shops are required to have an automatic revolving door in the front.

-Shooting ranges must have an inflated bounce castle on the target range at all times.

-Organizers of gun shows must provide a pile of gold bricks encased in glass that can be broken in case of precious metal emergencies.


-Before purchasing a gun prospective buyers must visit with an expert who will tell them they're a loser for wanting a machine designed to kill other people.

-Proprietors of gun stores need to have a current juggling permit.

-You can buy an AR-15 but you have to have had two years in medical school first.

-Every store must employ a Rat Pack impersonation band for at least 2/3rds of all operating hours.

-All rifles must be autographed by at least two Pulitzer Prize winning novelists.

-You can't sell handguns unless you have an animatronic triceratops within 50 feet of the cash register.

-Gun shows must take place in treehouses.

-Owners are only permitted to clean their guns with crisp 100 bills.

-Gun dealers must employ at least three people named Terry.

All gun owners must like Carl Sagan's Dance Party on Facebook and give us about $20.

20 Peachy-Keen Tweets

Willikers! These joke writing people are pretty swell, boy howdy. 

Fuck You, Ayn Rand Part 2

Content note: poop, animal death

As part of our ongoing series presenting you with the hate mail we get that was intended for various philosophers, please enjoy some disdain for Ayn Rand.

Dear Ayn Rand,
I became the chairman of the Federal Reserve because of your philosophy. I just want you to know that people hate the Fed and now they associate it with me very strongly. My grandchildren shit in my coffee because they knew at one time I was part of the Federal Reserve. Sure, I am an intellectual and an expert on the economy, and I cut interest rates to reasonable levels to keep jobs growing. But that doesn’t make up for the fact that my grandchildren shit in my coffee because they know I was part of the Federal Reserve, the most hated institution in the world!

-Alan Greenspan

Dear Ayn Rand,
I taught my dog your philosophy in the hope that it would get educated and go run a business. But your philosophy apparently didn’t spell out the differences between hedonism and egoism effectively enough. Now, instead, all it did was eat my poorer dogs and now all it does is eat and shit. Your philosophy definitely accomplishes creating a dog-eat-dog world. My dog no longer even does any tricks anymore like it used to because it’s not in its self-interest. So I had to put it down. And now I’m dogless because of you. I’m one dogless sad man.

-Dogless in Dakota

Dear Ayn Rand,
I used to be poor but you taught me to despise myself so I became a rich billionaire in two short months. Now I live in a mansion with all kinds of ridiculous things. I really miss my humble cardboard box. Memories. Memories I’ll never get back thanks to your piss poor philosophy.

-Boxy in Baltimore

Dear Ayn Rand,

You stole my philosophy that was stolen by Nietzsche and added donkey dung to it. You call yourself a philosopher, but you thought Kant was Locke and thought Locke was Descartes. You misunderstand philosophy disastrously. Look, I don’t even like Kant, but at least I did better critiques of his categorical imperative than you ever could. I bet you don’t even know what that is.

-Ghost of Max Stirner–A Real Egoist


We also made fun of Ayn Rand in our book, Unbelievable History, which has dropped in price to $10!

The Pokémon Grindr Saga

My friend Matt decided to make an...unorthodox Grindr profile. 

20 Tweets of Unusual Goodness

These funny people on a bird website were pretty good at being funny on a bird website. I suggest clicking the follow button.

20 Hecken Good Tweets (6/6/2016)

These humans on Twitter made some really good jokes. So you should check 'em out and then go follow them and give them all of your disposable income.

My National Parks: Redwood

Content note: Drugs, animal death, eating, natural disasters

Redwood National Park is located in Northern California along the coast. Did you know that one of the most exciting things at Redwood is the trees? That took me by surprise because I was thinking it was gonna be the hippies or the grass, or maybe even that smokable grass I hear so much about. Yes, counterintuitively, the dominant feature of this park is the Coastal Redwood trees or Sequoia sempervirens (I use the Latin to impress the ladies).
According to cryptozoologists, Bigfoot resides at this park. That’s a very ridiculous belief since I’ve already killed all the bigfeet. They might have been able to find remains and confirm their theory, but I always got rid of the evidence. I don't want to get in trouble for war crimes or anything. Though I do want to keep murdering sentient apes. Most of my animosity towards Bigfoot stems from that movie Harry and the Hendersons. I really hated that smug asshole.

The Northern Spotted Owl is known to hang out at this park. It is endangered by the more aggressive Barred Owl and soon to be by me. I am elated by the sheer existence of the Barred Owl since the more aggressive animals are cool and remind me of myself. If I could swoop down like a Barred Owl and eat a Spotted Owl right out of the air, I would. That's why I'm training at hang gliding right now. Just you wait Spotted Owl. Just you wait!

Earthquakes, landslides, and occasional tsunamis make this park really exciting. As a park ranger I'm supposed to pass out pamphlets or post signs throughout the park warning about the dangers of landslides and tsunamis. Gosh, what a way to ruin people's fun. How are people supposed to be surprised if they know about the dangers of these events in advance? That's why I normally just use the pamphlets as toilet paper.

This park is home to the the most ancient trees in America. The people from ChopCo Lumber LLC were skeptical when I told them they could come harvest the old growth redwoods, but I assured them I was a U.S. park ranger and that my supervisor was on her vacation. I told them to just cut and remove trees a little more quietly so as not to disturb too many delicate lifeforms. 

Redwood is really beautiful and perhaps one of the best national parks (better than Yellowstone) and right up there with Yosemite (which you should also visit). No, I am totally not being bribed by the Governor of California to sell you on visiting California or anything. 

This is totally not a desperate attempt here to help balance the budget with tourism dollars, so stop asking. Californians are always cool and could never have any problems ever, not even massive debt. Visit the redwoods today! And Death Valley too! Also, check out the gift shop.

Wanna buy this book? Or maybe a computer file that looks like this book?

Minefield, Kentucky

Content note: explosions, kidnapping

No one knew why the town of Minefield, Kentucky was so named. The townsfolk were very curious. Unfortunately, every time the town’s historian would come close to finding out, they would die in a horrible explosion while taking a walk. No one knew why, but this did mean that the town would have to continuously hire new historians to investigate its mysterious name.

 

Minefield could have figured out the mystery sooner, but there were too many government agencies creating needless bureaucracy. Minefield had a state-run Department of History, a Department of the History of the History Department, ad infinitum.

One historian did eventually figure out the origin of Minefield’s name, but he mysteriously disappeared in a town mysteriously named Abduction Zone City. Another historian claimed that Minefield gets its mysterious name from having been a former land mine test site full of unexploded land mines, but since she lives in Anonymous City, her credentials as a historian cannot be verified--thus her claims cannot be believed by anyone.

Eventually Minefield’s citizens figured out that historians were terrible at figuring out this mysterious town's history and a team of geographers were hired instead. Shortly afterward, April McCartographer was awarded the Nobel Prize in Cartographic History for figuring out that Minefield got its name because people were mysteriously exploding due to spontaneous human combustion...oh..and abandoned mines detonating. But the mines were not terribly necessary for the explanation.

Don't live each day like it's your last

Content note: death, cancer, suicide

The various self-help experts of the world are always advising people to live each day like it’s the last one they have. This is horrible advice because:

-You could end up making amends with former friends who you’ve wronged. Look, those guys were assholes anyway, now they’re gonna want to drink with you, throw you parties and help you move your stuff into your apartment. And give you obnoxiously sound advice. Fuck that!

-It is very tricky to squeeze all those malignant tumors into your organs without proper medical training.

-This approach might work for you if you live on on the planet Gl'x'nrk 7 in the Cygnus star cluster, since their last day of life is spent in perpetual bliss.

-Another inconvenient fact about this approach is that the funeral directors and crematoriums don’t appreciate all the false alarms when you tell them you’ll be decomposing in a few days.

-The worst part is having to do awkward confessions of past offenses and have everyone get all pissed because of all the affairs and lies and murders.

-Breaking into a federal prison and demanding a last meal is kind of difficult.

-You might choose to live your last day on Earth paying your bills, eating boring food and having a lackluster conversation with a coworker you don’t like. If that’s how you would spend your last day, this approach may disappoint you greatly.

-Your spouse will always be pissed at you for all the suicide notes you’ll leave around the house.

Of course, if it is your last day alive you should spend part of it reading My National Parks, a kindle tour of the wilderness led by an irresponsible park ranger.

Fuck you, Ayn Rand!

Content note: cancer, vehicular assault, death

For some reason our office ends up getting all of the hatemail sent to philosophers. Here's some intended for 20th century Objectivist Ayn Rand.


Dear Ayn Rand,
I tried your philosophy out and it was great at first. But now I find myself running over poor people on a daily basis. I just hate those parasites. Before I read any of your works, I merely pitied the poor, but now I really hate them. This has caused me to dent up my car considerably, and now I have to buy a new car because of your philosophy. I’d ask you for some better solutions, but you didn’t even do what was in your best self-interest for yourself and smoked yourself to death. So any further advice from you would be worthless.

-Lexus Mourner in Lafayette

Dear Ayn Rand,
I am very disappointed in you Ayn Rand. I read your book Atlas Shrugged and I thought, boy, as a rich guy, maybe if I step down from my rich company, I would make a big impact and people would see the importance of rich people, and just how dependent they are on them. So I stepped down from my position at Apple by being killed by pancreatic cancer. And guess what? Everyone misses me, but they don’t miss me because I was really rich. Also, the company seems to be running just fine without me. Your philosophy is a garbage pile. Who is John Galt by the way? I never actually finished Atlas Shrugged to be quite honest. It was too boring.

-Steve Job’s Ghost

Dear Ayn Rand,
I’m glad you’re worm food right now. I liked your philosophy of self-determination. It seemed great. But then I kicked all my poor family members out of my house for not being rich and successful entrepreneurs. Now nobody loves me. And then when I became a rich, successful entrepreneur, I found that a bunch of the other rich successful entrepreneurs were liberals who didn’t give a shit about trying to fill a mountain full of goal and to live in it like a dragon. They did stuff like pay taxes and donate to charities. Bunch of fucking altruist, commie bastards. Being rich sucks, I want to be poor again and hang out with my poor friends and family. But now I can’t give up my money because I like it too much. This is literally the worst position a person could be in.

-Resentfully Rich in Richmond
 

It's in your best interest to check out our book, Unbelievable History, since it's only $10 and makes fun of Ayn Rand.

Realistic Fairy Tales

Content note: spiders, eugenics

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall ‘cause he was pretty bad at risk assessment. I mean, I wouldn’t hang out precariously if I was an egg. Anyway the King was conflicted. He was repulsed by this egg monster, but Humpty was a legal citizen and so the king was obliged to help. As a compromise, he gave the job to the horses. They couldn’t help the egg monster since they were ungulates without the requisite dexterous fingers required to perform surgery. But this constituted a "make work" project that helped the Kingdom's unemployment numbers. The End.

Rapunzel


Rapunzel was imprisoned in the tower for what the villagers assumed were crimes against humanity. Eventually an aspiring eugenicist sought her assistance. She let down her hair so that he could ascend. Having a full-grown man climb her hair caused a lot of pain. You’re probably thinking that she was lovely. She was except for the hair which was filled with various species of rodents and arachnids. The eugenicist didn’t agree though, as he had never seen pest-free follicles and thought her breathtaking. So after the eugenicist rescued her and found out she wasn’t a war criminal, she got a pixie cut and then awkwardly blew him off for a few weeks until he got the hint that she wasn’t interested. The End.

Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time, a girl named Little Red Riding-Hood went to visit her grandmother. Her grandmother was doing fine because 1. the wolves that live near her cottage are scared of humans and avoided conflicts with her and 2. Little Red Riding-Hood’s country had socialized medicine and grandma’s medical needs were met. A huntsman showed up to save them both from wolves, but since there wasn’t any danger, he was able to relax while Little Red Riding-Hood educated him about maintaining biodiversity. The End.

And they all lived adequately ever after.

My National Parks released for Kindle

This is  second book with many more in the works. It's all about the National Parks service, or more specifically the actions of a rogue park ranger wreaking havoc in the National Parks. The Kindle edition is available for purchase now, the printed ones (including large print and OpenDyslexic versions) will be available early May 2016. We'll begin posting sample chapters shortly.

Buy it here!