Important Facts About Shelter

This was originally posted a few years back on our old website. Hope you enjoy jokes about extremely niche indie video games.

With its entrancing art style and immersive gameplay, it has single-handedly revitalized the overdone and cliched genre of badger simulators. Here are some interesting facts that you may not know about Shelter.

-As some loud political activists have been saying for decades, video games influence people. The evidence is clear. Since the launch of Shelter, the number of people who have lost their children to eagle attacks have dropped dramatically.

-The only other game in the genre to get quite so much instantaneous fan support was of course Bethesda’s 2007 cicada sim Do Nothing But Eat Roots for 13 Years.

-PETA protested the game because the mother badger must kill foxes in order to feed her young. To placate them, Might and Delight published a mod which made all of the prey animals into people, which worked out since PETA doesn’t care about those.

-If you complete the game without losing any cubs, that night your game will be deleted and in its place will be one live badger, hand delivered by agents of Might And Delight. Care for it well, as we know you can. This method of using video games to determine competency for real jobs has a rich tradition from The Last Starfighter, Polybius, and the United States Senate.

-If you play Shelter long enough, you may find that certain changes in your routine will occur. Do not be alarmed if you find yourself digging holes or braving the stings of an angered swarm of bees to pilfer the sweet honey inside. Deep down inside this is who you are. The uneasy sensation you feel as you wander naked through the woods defending your territory is only the natural precursor to growing a thick coat of fur. Embrace the change. The longer you live your life as a badger, the more humans will leave your life making more room for the badger within. This is right.
 

Speaking of things from years ago, here's a link to our first book, Unbelievable History, which you are permitted to buy with legal tender if you feel so inclined.

TRAP Laws for Guns

On Monday the Supreme Court issued a historic ruling against Texan TRAP(Targeted Regulation of Abortion Providers) laws. These are regulations on abortion providers that serve no purpose other than to raise the operating costs of the facility to shut it down. What I couldn't help thinking of is just how much backlash there would have been from the Right if the same tactic had been applied to their sacred guns instead of people with uteruses.

-Gun shops are required to have an automatic revolving door in the front.

-Shooting ranges must have an inflated bounce castle on the target range at all times.

-Organizers of gun shows must provide a pile of gold bricks encased in glass that can be broken in case of precious metal emergencies.


-Before purchasing a gun prospective buyers must visit with an expert who will tell them they're a loser for wanting a machine designed to kill other people.

-Proprietors of gun stores need to have a current juggling permit.

-You can buy an AR-15 but you have to have had two years in medical school first.

-Every store must employ a Rat Pack impersonation band for at least 2/3rds of all operating hours.

-All rifles must be autographed by at least two Pulitzer Prize winning novelists.

-You can't sell handguns unless you have an animatronic triceratops within 50 feet of the cash register.

-Gun shows must take place in treehouses.

-Owners are only permitted to clean their guns with crisp 100 bills.

-Gun dealers must employ at least three people named Terry.

All gun owners must like Carl Sagan's Dance Party on Facebook and give us about $20.

Minefield, Kentucky

Content note: explosions, kidnapping

No one knew why the town of Minefield, Kentucky was so named. The townsfolk were very curious. Unfortunately, every time the town’s historian would come close to finding out, they would die in a horrible explosion while taking a walk. No one knew why, but this did mean that the town would have to continuously hire new historians to investigate its mysterious name.

 

Minefield could have figured out the mystery sooner, but there were too many government agencies creating needless bureaucracy. Minefield had a state-run Department of History, a Department of the History of the History Department, ad infinitum.

One historian did eventually figure out the origin of Minefield’s name, but he mysteriously disappeared in a town mysteriously named Abduction Zone City. Another historian claimed that Minefield gets its mysterious name from having been a former land mine test site full of unexploded land mines, but since she lives in Anonymous City, her credentials as a historian cannot be verified--thus her claims cannot be believed by anyone.

Eventually Minefield’s citizens figured out that historians were terrible at figuring out this mysterious town's history and a team of geographers were hired instead. Shortly afterward, April McCartographer was awarded the Nobel Prize in Cartographic History for figuring out that Minefield got its name because people were mysteriously exploding due to spontaneous human combustion...oh..and abandoned mines detonating. But the mines were not terribly necessary for the explanation.

Don't live each day like it's your last

Content note: death, cancer, suicide

The various self-help experts of the world are always advising people to live each day like it’s the last one they have. This is horrible advice because:

-You could end up making amends with former friends who you’ve wronged. Look, those guys were assholes anyway, now they’re gonna want to drink with you, throw you parties and help you move your stuff into your apartment. And give you obnoxiously sound advice. Fuck that!

-It is very tricky to squeeze all those malignant tumors into your organs without proper medical training.

-This approach might work for you if you live on on the planet Gl'x'nrk 7 in the Cygnus star cluster, since their last day of life is spent in perpetual bliss.

-Another inconvenient fact about this approach is that the funeral directors and crematoriums don’t appreciate all the false alarms when you tell them you’ll be decomposing in a few days.

-The worst part is having to do awkward confessions of past offenses and have everyone get all pissed because of all the affairs and lies and murders.

-Breaking into a federal prison and demanding a last meal is kind of difficult.

-You might choose to live your last day on Earth paying your bills, eating boring food and having a lackluster conversation with a coworker you don’t like. If that’s how you would spend your last day, this approach may disappoint you greatly.

-Your spouse will always be pissed at you for all the suicide notes you’ll leave around the house.

Of course, if it is your last day alive you should spend part of it reading My National Parks, a kindle tour of the wilderness led by an irresponsible park ranger.