My National Parks: Mount Revelstoke

Content note: Drugs, cultural appropriation, decay, corpses, animal abuse, animal death

I had a rough time the first few weeks I was here. There was some confusion about it being outside of my jurisdiction since this park is in the Canadian region of America. Being an expert on nature, I knew this to be a threat to my supremacy as the alpha and I met the challenge by bashing my head into those who questioned me.

As a predator first and a Park Ranger second, I often find myself wanting to help out the other predators in our national parks. I'm often giving the wolves and grizzlies steroids in order to strengthen them for when they encounter potential prey. If I find that bald eagles are having poorer eyesight than average, I will help foot the bill for their lasik eye surgery. Of course, I am not totally altruistic since I steal most of this money for these procedures from my supervisor when she’s on her lunch break. I find that predators are basically the best animals that nature could produce, so why can't a human being intervene and help them every once and while. Our unjust God never seems to do so.

I do the opposite to prey. Usually I'll give sedatives to the black tailed deer, mountain goats, dall sheep, and salmon. Of course, I give sedatives to the sea otters just for the fun of it since I like to displace them from their natural locations and see the confused looks on their faces. It's really funny when you put a sea otter on the peak of a mountain.

When I first time I saw a moose, I asked the park superintendent what happened to its stripes. He said I was probably thinking of zebras and I asked if I could get the moose with stripes if I paid extra. He explained that the moose weren't upgradable and only came with their current set of features. He told me I could see Zebras at the zoo in Vancouver if I really wanted to. Pssh! Those are just cheap horses with some stripes painted on. I saw a unicorn once and that kind of makes every horse you see after that seem amazingly mundane. Unless you can install horns and majesty, what’s the point? Same thing with these moose.

You just can’t get any upgrades on these animals. Mother Nature's customer service really stinks. I thought about taking the superintendent’s advice and getting the hell out of his park and checking out the zoo. Sadly unlike the National Parks, you can’t just kill every animal you see. 

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