My National Parks: Redwood

Content note: Drugs, animal death, eating, natural disasters

Redwood National Park is located in Northern California along the coast. Did you know that one of the most exciting things at Redwood is the trees? That took me by surprise because I was thinking it was gonna be the hippies or the grass, or maybe even that smokable grass I hear so much about. Yes, counterintuitively, the dominant feature of this park is the Coastal Redwood trees or Sequoia sempervirens (I use the Latin to impress the ladies).
According to cryptozoologists, Bigfoot resides at this park. That’s a very ridiculous belief since I’ve already killed all the bigfeet. They might have been able to find remains and confirm their theory, but I always got rid of the evidence. I don't want to get in trouble for war crimes or anything. Though I do want to keep murdering sentient apes. Most of my animosity towards Bigfoot stems from that movie Harry and the Hendersons. I really hated that smug asshole.

The Northern Spotted Owl is known to hang out at this park. It is endangered by the more aggressive Barred Owl and soon to be by me. I am elated by the sheer existence of the Barred Owl since the more aggressive animals are cool and remind me of myself. If I could swoop down like a Barred Owl and eat a Spotted Owl right out of the air, I would. That's why I'm training at hang gliding right now. Just you wait Spotted Owl. Just you wait!

Earthquakes, landslides, and occasional tsunamis make this park really exciting. As a park ranger I'm supposed to pass out pamphlets or post signs throughout the park warning about the dangers of landslides and tsunamis. Gosh, what a way to ruin people's fun. How are people supposed to be surprised if they know about the dangers of these events in advance? That's why I normally just use the pamphlets as toilet paper.

This park is home to the the most ancient trees in America. The people from ChopCo Lumber LLC were skeptical when I told them they could come harvest the old growth redwoods, but I assured them I was a U.S. park ranger and that my supervisor was on her vacation. I told them to just cut and remove trees a little more quietly so as not to disturb too many delicate lifeforms. 

Redwood is really beautiful and perhaps one of the best national parks (better than Yellowstone) and right up there with Yosemite (which you should also visit). No, I am totally not being bribed by the Governor of California to sell you on visiting California or anything. 

This is totally not a desperate attempt here to help balance the budget with tourism dollars, so stop asking. Californians are always cool and could never have any problems ever, not even massive debt. Visit the redwoods today! And Death Valley too! Also, check out the gift shop.

Wanna buy this book? Or maybe a computer file that looks like this book?