Realistic Fairy Tales

Content note: spiders, eugenics

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall ‘cause he was pretty bad at risk assessment. I mean, I wouldn’t hang out precariously if I was an egg. Anyway the King was conflicted. He was repulsed by this egg monster, but Humpty was a legal citizen and so the king was obliged to help. As a compromise, he gave the job to the horses. They couldn’t help the egg monster since they were ungulates without the requisite dexterous fingers required to perform surgery. But this constituted a "make work" project that helped the Kingdom's unemployment numbers. The End.

Rapunzel


Rapunzel was imprisoned in the tower for what the villagers assumed were crimes against humanity. Eventually an aspiring eugenicist sought her assistance. She let down her hair so that he could ascend. Having a full-grown man climb her hair caused a lot of pain. You’re probably thinking that she was lovely. She was except for the hair which was filled with various species of rodents and arachnids. The eugenicist didn’t agree though, as he had never seen pest-free follicles and thought her breathtaking. So after the eugenicist rescued her and found out she wasn’t a war criminal, she got a pixie cut and then awkwardly blew him off for a few weeks until he got the hint that she wasn’t interested. The End.

Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time, a girl named Little Red Riding-Hood went to visit her grandmother. Her grandmother was doing fine because 1. the wolves that live near her cottage are scared of humans and avoided conflicts with her and 2. Little Red Riding-Hood’s country had socialized medicine and grandma’s medical needs were met. A huntsman showed up to save them both from wolves, but since there wasn’t any danger, he was able to relax while Little Red Riding-Hood educated him about maintaining biodiversity. The End.

And they all lived adequately ever after.