Fuck you, Ayn Rand!

Content note: cancer, vehicular assault, death

For some reason our office ends up getting all of the hatemail sent to philosophers. Here's some intended for 20th century Objectivist Ayn Rand.


Dear Ayn Rand,
I tried your philosophy out and it was great at first. But now I find myself running over poor people on a daily basis. I just hate those parasites. Before I read any of your works, I merely pitied the poor, but now I really hate them. This has caused me to dent up my car considerably, and now I have to buy a new car because of your philosophy. I’d ask you for some better solutions, but you didn’t even do what was in your best self-interest for yourself and smoked yourself to death. So any further advice from you would be worthless.

-Lexus Mourner in Lafayette

Dear Ayn Rand,
I am very disappointed in you Ayn Rand. I read your book Atlas Shrugged and I thought, boy, as a rich guy, maybe if I step down from my rich company, I would make a big impact and people would see the importance of rich people, and just how dependent they are on them. So I stepped down from my position at Apple by being killed by pancreatic cancer. And guess what? Everyone misses me, but they don’t miss me because I was really rich. Also, the company seems to be running just fine without me. Your philosophy is a garbage pile. Who is John Galt by the way? I never actually finished Atlas Shrugged to be quite honest. It was too boring.

-Steve Job’s Ghost

Dear Ayn Rand,
I’m glad you’re worm food right now. I liked your philosophy of self-determination. It seemed great. But then I kicked all my poor family members out of my house for not being rich and successful entrepreneurs. Now nobody loves me. And then when I became a rich, successful entrepreneur, I found that a bunch of the other rich successful entrepreneurs were liberals who didn’t give a shit about trying to fill a mountain full of goal and to live in it like a dragon. They did stuff like pay taxes and donate to charities. Bunch of fucking altruist, commie bastards. Being rich sucks, I want to be poor again and hang out with my poor friends and family. But now I can’t give up my money because I like it too much. This is literally the worst position a person could be in.

-Resentfully Rich in Richmond
 

It's in your best interest to check out our book, Unbelievable History, since it's only $10 and makes fun of Ayn Rand.