Fuck You, Ayn Rand Part 2

Content note: poop, animal death

As part of our ongoing series presenting you with the hate mail we get that was intended for various philosophers, please enjoy some disdain for Ayn Rand.

Dear Ayn Rand,
I became the chairman of the Federal Reserve because of your philosophy. I just want you to know that people hate the Fed and now they associate it with me very strongly. My grandchildren shit in my coffee because they knew at one time I was part of the Federal Reserve. Sure, I am an intellectual and an expert on the economy, and I cut interest rates to reasonable levels to keep jobs growing. But that doesn’t make up for the fact that my grandchildren shit in my coffee because they know I was part of the Federal Reserve, the most hated institution in the world!

-Alan Greenspan

Dear Ayn Rand,
I taught my dog your philosophy in the hope that it would get educated and go run a business. But your philosophy apparently didn’t spell out the differences between hedonism and egoism effectively enough. Now, instead, all it did was eat my poorer dogs and now all it does is eat and shit. Your philosophy definitely accomplishes creating a dog-eat-dog world. My dog no longer even does any tricks anymore like it used to because it’s not in its self-interest. So I had to put it down. And now I’m dogless because of you. I’m one dogless sad man.

-Dogless in Dakota

Dear Ayn Rand,
I used to be poor but you taught me to despise myself so I became a rich billionaire in two short months. Now I live in a mansion with all kinds of ridiculous things. I really miss my humble cardboard box. Memories. Memories I’ll never get back thanks to your piss poor philosophy.

-Boxy in Baltimore

Dear Ayn Rand,

You stole my philosophy that was stolen by Nietzsche and added donkey dung to it. You call yourself a philosopher, but you thought Kant was Locke and thought Locke was Descartes. You misunderstand philosophy disastrously. Look, I don’t even like Kant, but at least I did better critiques of his categorical imperative than you ever could. I bet you don’t even know what that is.

-Ghost of Max Stirner–A Real Egoist

We also made fun of Ayn Rand in our book, Unbelievable History, which has dropped in price to $10!