Don't live each day like it's your last

Content note: death, cancer, suicide

The various self-help experts of the world are always advising people to live each day like it’s the last one they have. This is horrible advice because:

-You could end up making amends with former friends who you’ve wronged. Look, those guys were assholes anyway, now they’re gonna want to drink with you, throw you parties and help you move your stuff into your apartment. And give you obnoxiously sound advice. Fuck that!

-It is very tricky to squeeze all those malignant tumors into your organs without proper medical training.

-This approach might work for you if you live on on the planet Gl'x'nrk 7 in the Cygnus star cluster, since their last day of life is spent in perpetual bliss.

-Another inconvenient fact about this approach is that the funeral directors and crematoriums don’t appreciate all the false alarms when you tell them you’ll be decomposing in a few days.

-The worst part is having to do awkward confessions of past offenses and have everyone get all pissed because of all the affairs and lies and murders.

-Breaking into a federal prison and demanding a last meal is kind of difficult.

-You might choose to live your last day on Earth paying your bills, eating boring food and having a lackluster conversation with a coworker you don’t like. If that’s how you would spend your last day, this approach may disappoint you greatly.

-Your spouse will always be pissed at you for all the suicide notes you’ll leave around the house.

Of course, if it is your last day alive you should spend part of it reading My National Parks, a kindle tour of the wilderness led by an irresponsible park ranger.