These funny people on a bird website were pretty good at being funny on a bird website. I suggest clicking the follow button.
I'm proBernie but would vote Hillary as I am a one issue voter and that issue is not opening the seventh seal and ushering in the apocalypse— Ivan Hernandez (@ivan_hernandez) February 2, 2016
Me @ Whole Foods rn: "Can I use your bathroom?"— Cubby hole (@KirbyHBee) June 13, 2016
Store: "Do you have proof of purchase?"
Me buying a gun: "Can I-"
Store: "Here ya go!"
I'm only gay because I left my Facebook open in high school and someone made my status "I like dicks" and I was too polite to correct them.— Kyle Patrick (@kyry5) June 9, 2016
If someone is mean to you, the ultimate revenge is to log into IMDB and give them a writing credit for the Big Bang Theory— J (@weaselpipe) January 10, 2016
When someone says "women like you" to me, I assume they're referring to extremely powerful wizards.— Jess (@jessokfine) June 8, 2016
Clerk: that'll be $10.25— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) June 9, 2016
M: [hands him a lizard]
C: it's still $10.25
M: [hands him lizard sized hat]
M: [slowly slides him tiny monocle]
Download Grindr right now and invite everyone in your neighborhood over for pizza and emotional support.— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) June 12, 2016
Her: I'm leaving you, but not because you pour the milk before the cereal— Gαbby Durαn (@GABBYdaAngSaya) June 3, 2016
Me (being handcuffed after trying to steal a duck): But why though
Him: "Be the person your dog thinks you are"— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) June 8, 2016
Dog: you're a piece of shit
Fun Prank:— Corky Kneivel (@CorkyKneivel) June 2, 2016
- find a naturally occurring metal
- invent a valuation based on how pretty it is
- use it to base an entire planet's economy
Taco Bell is unreasonable. Apparently they suddenly "don't deliver" and have "never done that are you drunk"— realgreendress (@realgreendress) June 12, 2016
When I asked if you're a top or bottom I meant emotionally— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 9, 2016
*my house is burning down*— Hi I'm (((Matt))) (@hiimmatts) June 11, 2016
Me: 🔥🏠🔥 🚒💨
911: I'm sorry; can you repeat that?
911: Did... did you just say "fire emoji"?
Me: *sobbing* 👍
"But people can kill any number of ways, why restrict their access to this particularly easy and devastating one?"— Nnelg (@justabloodygame) June 12, 2016