These humans on Twitter made some really good jokes. So you should check 'em out and then go follow them and give them all of your disposable income.
"I like naturally pretty girls."— Kashana (@kashanacauley) June 3, 2016
"I like unnaturally pretty girls. You know, the kind that wear radioactive makeup."
[speed dating]— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) May 20, 2016
ME: how many numbers you get?
JESUS: all of them
ME: seriously!? how?
JESUS: [shrugs] I can turn water into wine
I'm not sure if it works but sometimes I throw banana peels out the car window to try & get the motorists behind me to spin out.— Comedian Jason Banks (@JasonBanksComic) April 19, 2016
[creation of insects]— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) May 31, 2016
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
"I love her but it's like she doesn't even know if I exist." - God, crushing on an agnostic girl.— Riley Silverman (@ryesilverman) August 2, 2014
My music career was cut tragically short when I was always bad at all of it and then died— Mike (@MikeOdenthal) April 27, 2016
How concerned would the news be if monkeys started wearing little clothes on their own and forming little towns and electing monkey mayors— She, the Sarah (@sarahjoyshockey) June 5, 2016
Jesus: no one will believe you— Elizabeth (@elizabeth_fels) May 27, 2016
Me: that you puked at the beach party and I had to carry you?
Jesus: hey are u happy with ur vision or what
It would be cool if Game of Thrones replaced like half the minutes it spends on Ramsey mutilating women with like, plot.— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) May 2, 2016
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can't come.— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) June 3, 2016
You know how you could evolve Pokemon? I wish I could devolve my kids. I choose you not-teenage-asshole Pokemon— f r e d ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (@RegularFred) June 5, 2016
Interviewer: "Why do you want to be a librarian?"— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) June 3, 2016
Me: "I like telling people to be quiet."
My girlfriend's father got mad that I proposed to her without asking him first but there's just no way I would ever marry that guy.— Brian (@Black__Elvis) June 17, 2015
I'm sorry my country exported Piers Morgan to America and not the great Pacific garbage patch where he belongs— vogue moran (@AliceAvizandum) June 5, 2016
*Noam Chomsky calmly trying to persuade a vending machine to release his stuck candy using well versed arguments about the ruling class*— Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) May 11, 2016
ME: Perennials?! I thought you told me to water the millennials!— Mighty Mite (@therealeatwood) May 29, 2016
MILLENNIALS: [dripping wet] Ugh can you not? I can’t even with this
Person- But can you spell all the ingredients?— realgreendress (@realgreendress) June 2, 2016
Me- Can you spell asshole?
Never read the comments...or anything on the internet...or anything at all. Don't open your eyes. The world is garbage & people are trash.— Blayr Nias (@GummyBlayr) June 4, 2016
Her: *from closet* ever try role play?— Smooth Peanut Butter (@VapingSonic) May 11, 2016
Me: *eyes light up* I love role play
Her: *comes out in full knights armor* me too u knave peasant