We could all use a break after a week like that. Here's some of Twitter's finest bringing you the jokes.
Say what you will about mermaids. You can - they can't hear you.— Batman After Hours (@BatmanOffDuty) June 30, 2016
I accidentally sprayed a baby with cologne and now his mother doesn't recognize him and won't take him back :(— Idk why I (@HatefulNateful) April 28, 2016
You can always tell a human by the legs, or 'gams' or 'gamgams' or 'grandmas' below their hips— bigolas biggleby (@MikeBigby) July 6, 2016
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) July 5, 2016
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I found a bug in my room, tried to kill it, but it got away. Now I'm afraid it went to tell all of its friends how vulnerable and weak I am.— Langston Kerman (@LangstonKerman) July 10, 2016
What if every dog combined to make one huge megadog that eradicated all sadness and fear from our lives and we all could pet it together— (((Michael))) (@Home_Halfway) July 8, 2016
My dog is trying to paw my lap for treats, but I don't negotiate with Terrier wrists.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 28, 2016
I served with Mayor McCheese. I know Mayor McCheese. Mayor McCheese is a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Mayor McCheese.— Mayor P (@punmagnate) July 6, 2016
ME: I have chronic pain. It flares up whenever someone challenges my beliefs— REW (@therealeatwood) January 9, 2016
FRIEND: That’s not really how chronic pain works
ME: ow owwww
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you spend all your money on healthcare.— With Great Power... (@LoverOfComics94) October 20, 2014
(My wedding day)— the liv cannot abide (@liv_thatsme) February 18, 2016
Grandma: You remind me so much of your father
Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot
G: Your father was a disappointment also
"What's up, long legs? Baby girl! I said what's up long legs!"— Danielle Henderson (@knottyyarn) June 26, 2016
"I have a really hard time buying pants &the growing pains—"
*He runs away*
"All lives matter."— Kashana (@kashanacauley) July 7, 2016
"My pothole-fixing company specializes in fixing streets without potholes."
A large part of writing is hating everything you've ever written. Now get out there and do it! The hatred starts with you.— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) June 22, 2016
Why is it a 'taco bell' and not a clitoris— The Real Slim Jadey (@jade_whiteman) January 14, 2016
*Rolls up to a Marathon gas station in my power wheelchair*— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 6, 2016
"Does anyone have an outlet where I can charge her for awhile?"
I just woke up with a lump on my leg that looks like a spider bite. Theres only one way to find out.— StanTheMan (@pinoykaneyjan) May 28, 2016
*Jumps off rooftop and flicks wrist*
NOW ACCEPTING THE FOLLOWING SLABS:— Me, Sarah Shockey!! (@sarahjoyshockey) June 30, 2016
-butter and/or country crock
-water (aka a bathtub soak)