Live blogging the 2016 DNC

Here are all the highlights from this election cycle's DNC in chronological order.

-Martin O'Malley reportedly asking all the other primary competitors if they feel "all this sexual tension right now"

-Not sure what the Bernie or Bust crowd is planning but they have a moving truck full of raw shrimp they're trying to sneak in.

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Big misstep by Tim Kaine. It's not so much that he called Bernie Sanders a "sex rodent" but that he wouldn't say it to his face.

-Clinton is directing questions about cursed relics to the glowing raven that follows her and speaks in a forgotten tongue.

-Michelle Obama's speech overly defensive in her assertions that nothing happened between her and Chuck Todd in the Rose Garden.    

-Bernie Sanders is booed off the stage for suggesting that "America has no way of finding Captain Kidd's buried treasure"

-In a surprise move Al Gore endorsed Hillary Clinton and also said he's in love with me. I had no idea. I like him as a friend.

-Corey Booker forced to tone down his rhetoric after a staffer was injured by one of the many thrown panties lobbed at him.

-Elizabeth Warren shows her political skill by challenging the BernieBros to fisticuffs. Her bloodyknuckled speech is received in silence.

-Despite desperate pleas from party officials Sanders insists on playing every Pete Seeger song he knows on his acoustic guitar.

-Looks like the party is deadset on Clinton and we won't get the nominee we deserve (a cocker spaniel dressed like a cowboy)

-Former vice presidential hopeful Sherrod Brown subtly trying to find out if Clinton is interested in "one of those trendy 'open presidencies'"

-Party officials now threatening to revoke my press pass if I don't stop urinating on enemy delegates. So much for free speech!

-Clinton goes on a walk to relax. Accidentally starts stump speech when she sees a raccoon "I too am a misunderstood beast"

-Ol' Uncle Mondale telling that story about how he just barely lost to Reagan. "I almost had 'em."

-Potential trouble for Clinton. President Obama is refusing to give his speech unless she pays up on their last bar bet.

-Time for the Excitement Express, aw yeah let's get on the motherfuckin' Kaine Train can't stop won't stop.

-Very orderly compared to the RNC. The GOP let people be eaten by the Snake God, but the Democrats put caution tape around it.

-Chelsea Clinton's speech clearly an ad for a vaping corporation. "Vote for my mom too, I guess" she said from inside her cloud.

-BernieBro demands no onions on his hamburger. He is given one without onions and immediately throws it on the ground "NO ONIONS!"

-This whole night has been about progressive values and rising above bigotry. But not one word in defense of traditional Ghostbusters.

-Big faux pas tonight as Clinton accidentally takes the stage in the robes of the Illuminati instead of her signature pantsuit.

-Several people paid to express opinions on serious topics opine about whether or not a woman looked "human enough"

I also did this nonsense for the Republican National Convention, but no one could see what I wrote from the smoke of that garbage fire.