Content note: bullying, slutshaming, assault, death
Summer is nearly over, and with a new school year looming, we here at Carl Sagan's Dance Party wanted to provide some useful tips for those returning to the halls of academia.
-If you are a kindergartener going to your first day of school, keep in mind that if any of the other kids make fun of you, it’s because you’ve made a critical social faux pas and this will go into your permanent record. Are you writing this down, kindergartners?
-When starting middle school for the first time, be proactive. Do not wait for the bullies to come beat you up. Just scope out the scene and look for any potential bullies and begin fighting them as soon as possible. Do not even let them introduce themselves to you. That's just a typical bully trick. If bullies protest that they are pacifist and only want to be your friend, fight back even harder. If the aforementioned bully dies from the wrath of your 12-year-old onslaught of hellish fury, hire a psychic to come to the playground and destroy the remnants of the bully's soul, preventing any kind of possession-revenge.
-If you’re a middle-schooler and you are coming back to school and seeing all the girls that you’ve grown up with throughout the years, it is very important that you only notice their new boobies. Make sure you mention this. The more frequently you bring it up, the better.
Girls, if you're a middle-schooler and you've just got boobs, take note of your new cup size. If they are too big, you are a slut.
-If you happen to be an atheist/agnostic and you want to know how to properly start off a good year when your class is saying the pledge, don't avoid saying the pledge. That would just create social awkwardness. Instead just laugh when everyone says under god. Laughter will break right through that social awkwardness, believe you me.
-Getting in the habit of studying is important. Distractions are always an issue. Make sure that you end any possible friendships that might distract way from otherwise good studying. Tell your best friend to get a life when he/she wants to hang out with you. Tell any of your friendly cousins to bugger off. Disown any of your family members who want to participate in any fun activities. Crying yourself to sleep every night is a clear indication that a good study habit is developing. If you get this far congratulations!
-Some people lose interest in school because they do not believe that the knowledge learned in school will ever be applicable to real life. These people will be quite surprised when the difference between life and death will be knowing when Train A will arrive in Denver at 250 miles an hour if Train B and C both left New York at 4:00 P.M. at speeds of 200 MPH and 300 MPH respectively. These people will not ever know when Earl will arrive with the 20 apples.
-Always address your Ph.D. professors as "(Insert full name here) Ph.D." Also address anyone without a Ph.D. as a “wannabe Ph.D.” Make sure you give them their own unique serial numbers after the title "Ph.D. wannabe" regardless of whether they're faculty, staff, or students. It doesn't matter if a student responds, "the name is Claire." Just respond, "Okay, wannabe Ph.D.591469960." This will help you adapt more quickly in the academic world as you only have to deal with two groups of people in your own mind.
And if you don't care about doing well in school, you can always get a job making puns for nickels on Twitter.