Fuck You, Ayn Rand Part 2

Content note: poop, animal death

As part of our ongoing series presenting you with the hate mail we get that was intended for various philosophers, please enjoy some disdain for Ayn Rand.

Dear Ayn Rand,
I became the chairman of the Federal Reserve because of your philosophy. I just want you to know that people hate the Fed and now they associate it with me very strongly. My grandchildren shit in my coffee because they knew at one time I was part of the Federal Reserve. Sure, I am an intellectual and an expert on the economy, and I cut interest rates to reasonable levels to keep jobs growing. But that doesn’t make up for the fact that my grandchildren shit in my coffee because they know I was part of the Federal Reserve, the most hated institution in the world!

-Alan Greenspan

Dear Ayn Rand,
I taught my dog your philosophy in the hope that it would get educated and go run a business. But your philosophy apparently didn’t spell out the differences between hedonism and egoism effectively enough. Now, instead, all it did was eat my poorer dogs and now all it does is eat and shit. Your philosophy definitely accomplishes creating a dog-eat-dog world. My dog no longer even does any tricks anymore like it used to because it’s not in its self-interest. So I had to put it down. And now I’m dogless because of you. I’m one dogless sad man.

-Dogless in Dakota

Dear Ayn Rand,
I used to be poor but you taught me to despise myself so I became a rich billionaire in two short months. Now I live in a mansion with all kinds of ridiculous things. I really miss my humble cardboard box. Memories. Memories I’ll never get back thanks to your piss poor philosophy.

-Boxy in Baltimore

Dear Ayn Rand,

You stole my philosophy that was stolen by Nietzsche and added donkey dung to it. You call yourself a philosopher, but you thought Kant was Locke and thought Locke was Descartes. You misunderstand philosophy disastrously. Look, I don’t even like Kant, but at least I did better critiques of his categorical imperative than you ever could. I bet you don’t even know what that is.

-Ghost of Max Stirner–A Real Egoist

We also made fun of Ayn Rand in our book, Unbelievable History, which has dropped in price to $10!

Fuck you, Ayn Rand!

Content note: cancer, vehicular assault, death

For some reason our office ends up getting all of the hatemail sent to philosophers. Here's some intended for 20th century Objectivist Ayn Rand.

Dear Ayn Rand,
I tried your philosophy out and it was great at first. But now I find myself running over poor people on a daily basis. I just hate those parasites. Before I read any of your works, I merely pitied the poor, but now I really hate them. This has caused me to dent up my car considerably, and now I have to buy a new car because of your philosophy. I’d ask you for some better solutions, but you didn’t even do what was in your best self-interest for yourself and smoked yourself to death. So any further advice from you would be worthless.

-Lexus Mourner in Lafayette

Dear Ayn Rand,
I am very disappointed in you Ayn Rand. I read your book Atlas Shrugged and I thought, boy, as a rich guy, maybe if I step down from my rich company, I would make a big impact and people would see the importance of rich people, and just how dependent they are on them. So I stepped down from my position at Apple by being killed by pancreatic cancer. And guess what? Everyone misses me, but they don’t miss me because I was really rich. Also, the company seems to be running just fine without me. Your philosophy is a garbage pile. Who is John Galt by the way? I never actually finished Atlas Shrugged to be quite honest. It was too boring.

-Steve Job’s Ghost

Dear Ayn Rand,
I’m glad you’re worm food right now. I liked your philosophy of self-determination. It seemed great. But then I kicked all my poor family members out of my house for not being rich and successful entrepreneurs. Now nobody loves me. And then when I became a rich, successful entrepreneur, I found that a bunch of the other rich successful entrepreneurs were liberals who didn’t give a shit about trying to fill a mountain full of goal and to live in it like a dragon. They did stuff like pay taxes and donate to charities. Bunch of fucking altruist, commie bastards. Being rich sucks, I want to be poor again and hang out with my poor friends and family. But now I can’t give up my money because I like it too much. This is literally the worst position a person could be in.

-Resentfully Rich in Richmond

It's in your best interest to check out our book, Unbelievable History, since it's only $10 and makes fun of Ayn Rand.