My National Parks: Mount Revelstoke

Content note: Drugs, cultural appropriation, decay, corpses, animal abuse, animal death

I had a rough time the first few weeks I was here. There was some confusion about it being outside of my jurisdiction since this park is in the Canadian region of America. Being an expert on nature, I knew this to be a threat to my supremacy as the alpha and I met the challenge by bashing my head into those who questioned me.

As a predator first and a Park Ranger second, I often find myself wanting to help out the other predators in our national parks. I'm often giving the wolves and grizzlies steroids in order to strengthen them for when they encounter potential prey. If I find that bald eagles are having poorer eyesight than average, I will help foot the bill for their lasik eye surgery. Of course, I am not totally altruistic since I steal most of this money for these procedures from my supervisor when she’s on her lunch break. I find that predators are basically the best animals that nature could produce, so why can't a human being intervene and help them every once and while. Our unjust God never seems to do so.

I do the opposite to prey. Usually I'll give sedatives to the black tailed deer, mountain goats, dall sheep, and salmon. Of course, I give sedatives to the sea otters just for the fun of it since I like to displace them from their natural locations and see the confused looks on their faces. It's really funny when you put a sea otter on the peak of a mountain.

When I first time I saw a moose, I asked the park superintendent what happened to its stripes. He said I was probably thinking of zebras and I asked if I could get the moose with stripes if I paid extra. He explained that the moose weren't upgradable and only came with their current set of features. He told me I could see Zebras at the zoo in Vancouver if I really wanted to. Pssh! Those are just cheap horses with some stripes painted on. I saw a unicorn once and that kind of makes every horse you see after that seem amazingly mundane. Unless you can install horns and majesty, what’s the point? Same thing with these moose.

You just can’t get any upgrades on these animals. Mother Nature's customer service really stinks. I thought about taking the superintendent’s advice and getting the hell out of his park and checking out the zoo. Sadly unlike the National Parks, you can’t just kill every animal you see. 

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My National Parks: Mesa Verde

Content note: Corpses, murder, violence by animals, guns, decay, animal death

Mesa Verde is located in Montezuma County, Colorado, which is where I disposed of my neighbors' bodies. Mesa Verde, believe it or not, is a national park. It is national in the sense that it is in our nation. It is a park in the sense that you go there and have fun with the kids. There also might be slides and swings and such. No one really knows.

It's commonly believed that it is called Mesa Verde, “green table,” because Spanish explorers in the late 1700s described the tree-covered plateaus as being like green tables. In fact, it's actually called Mesa Verde because visitors are constantly moving about in the park. At nearby Mesa Amarilla park visitors are moving around slowly and cautiously. And in Mesa Roja the tourists are frozen in place. 

When I first wanted to work at Mesa Verde I thought that I was going to find Salsa Verde for my chips. But I totally do not know Spanish and so the words Mesa and Salsa seem indistinguishable to me. People asked how, if they seemed indistinguishable to me, I able to make out the word "verde" and connect that with Salsa Verde and thus become mistaken over that whole ordeal? Look, I’m the tour guide here, I’ll ask the questions.

A lot of people go to the Grand Canyon to see the face of God. But at Mesa Verde, people go to it to see the face of Dios. Teddy Roosevelt felt Dios' presence and was inspired to protect Mesa Verde by making it a national park in 1906. His wife wished he had protected her too before she got eaten by those bears. It's a shame Teddy Roosevelt didn't have me around in those early days. I would have protected any area of land, whether legally protected or not. And I would've definitely enjoyed doing it, whether armed with an illegally acquired semi-automatic or not.

Like Chaco Canyon and the Grand Canyon, Mesa Verde has preserved pueblos. In the other puebloed parks, I renovated the pueblos and lived in them with my family. But I thought I'd be more respectful of history in Mesa Verde. I only occupy the Pueblos in their present condition. Sure, there are buffalo carcasses everywhere throughout the pueblo and many visitors find it smelly and gross. But, I live in the pueblo only the way I assume the ancient Puebloans would have done it. I haven’t researched that or anything, but I’m sure I’m honoring their ways. 

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My National Parks: Redwood

Content note: Drugs, animal death, eating, natural disasters

Redwood National Park is located in Northern California along the coast. Did you know that one of the most exciting things at Redwood is the trees? That took me by surprise because I was thinking it was gonna be the hippies or the grass, or maybe even that smokable grass I hear so much about. Yes, counterintuitively, the dominant feature of this park is the Coastal Redwood trees or Sequoia sempervirens (I use the Latin to impress the ladies).
According to cryptozoologists, Bigfoot resides at this park. That’s a very ridiculous belief since I’ve already killed all the bigfeet. They might have been able to find remains and confirm their theory, but I always got rid of the evidence. I don't want to get in trouble for war crimes or anything. Though I do want to keep murdering sentient apes. Most of my animosity towards Bigfoot stems from that movie Harry and the Hendersons. I really hated that smug asshole.

The Northern Spotted Owl is known to hang out at this park. It is endangered by the more aggressive Barred Owl and soon to be by me. I am elated by the sheer existence of the Barred Owl since the more aggressive animals are cool and remind me of myself. If I could swoop down like a Barred Owl and eat a Spotted Owl right out of the air, I would. That's why I'm training at hang gliding right now. Just you wait Spotted Owl. Just you wait!

Earthquakes, landslides, and occasional tsunamis make this park really exciting. As a park ranger I'm supposed to pass out pamphlets or post signs throughout the park warning about the dangers of landslides and tsunamis. Gosh, what a way to ruin people's fun. How are people supposed to be surprised if they know about the dangers of these events in advance? That's why I normally just use the pamphlets as toilet paper.

This park is home to the the most ancient trees in America. The people from ChopCo Lumber LLC were skeptical when I told them they could come harvest the old growth redwoods, but I assured them I was a U.S. park ranger and that my supervisor was on her vacation. I told them to just cut and remove trees a little more quietly so as not to disturb too many delicate lifeforms. 

Redwood is really beautiful and perhaps one of the best national parks (better than Yellowstone) and right up there with Yosemite (which you should also visit). No, I am totally not being bribed by the Governor of California to sell you on visiting California or anything. 

This is totally not a desperate attempt here to help balance the budget with tourism dollars, so stop asking. Californians are always cool and could never have any problems ever, not even massive debt. Visit the redwoods today! And Death Valley too! Also, check out the gift shop.

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