Explain THAT, Science!: Evolution

Content note: implied bestiality

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By creationist Harry Trunckles

Evolution is a LIE LIE LIE! Yelling that may make my position seem weak, but if you just knew how much of a lie evolution is you'd be yelling it too.

For those of you fortunate enough not to know about it, Evolution is the myth proposed by Charles Darwin in 1750 to justify his desire for sex with monkeys. According to the sacred texts of Darwinism, man evolved from dolphins. No, no, wait...let me correct that. Evolution says that man and woman evolved from dolphins of both sexes or was it just one sex? Look, whatever dolphin sex it is, I would just like to say the theory is wrong.

Can I be expected to believe that out of nowhere two rocks came together and made my Ford truck? No! But that's just the stuff evolutionists want you to believe. They want you to believe that two eyes just plopped into your cat's eyeless disembodied head, which then attached to your cat's headless body.

Look I'm not trying to attack a strawman when it comes to evolution, but evolutionists think the Earth is 40 trillion-years-old. Basically they believe it is more old than the Universe itself (6,500-years-old)! But how could that be?

Biologists all agreed one hundred years ago that life couldn't come from non-life. But now they changed their mind! I think where most secular scientists go wrong is when they watch too many zombie movies. Hollywood has infiltrated their minds with the idea that once dead things can emerge alive and well. You wouldn't think that combining your vacuum cleaner, some toothpaste, and olive oil would produce something living. But I'm sure Hollywood could make you believe it if you just watched enough movies based on that concept.

Let me just give you a picture of how absurd the evolution theory is. 40 trillion years ago the world came into being (which doesn't make any sense because the Universe hadn't been created yet!) when two rocks smacked into each other at 20 miles per hour. Look, this doesn't explain where the rocks came from, who made the rocks, or how the scientists even knew what speed they were traveling at. And don't you need a Universe for those rocks to be floating around in? Anyway, it gets worse. Eyeless cat heads and headless cat bodies are for no apparent reason just flopping around. But a spark of lightning just comes together and brings these random body parts into one full being: a cat. Now this cat evolves into most of the species around our planet. Where did the dolphins come from? Well...where else? Dolphin parts that weren’t previously mentioned. The next thing the scientists say is that humans evolved from dolphins. But here's a flaw: why didn't the humans just evolve from human parts like every other animal? This theory just has way too many holes!

Look I'm not proposing any new theory for the diversity and origin of life. But according to this Bible I bought from the Raëlian Church, the explanation has something to do breasts, aliens, and the breasts of aliens.

This was a sample chapter from our book, Explain THAT, Science!

It's currently legal to buy a copy.