Advice for Recent Graduates
The post-college world is big and scary. Here is some advice to help new grads adapt.
-If you fear the lifestyle change going from college to the post-grad world, you shouldn't. They still let you eat ramen noodles exclusively and drink your weight in Natty Light.
-As a physics bachelor you are set for life. You can do anything! By knowing the physical processes of a piano, you can now play a piano. By knowing the physical processes of mate attraction, you can now have lots of enjoyous sex. As a physics bachelor you can actually get a job in any field because you know all the physical processes.
-When thinking about which career to pursue, make sure you get one where you don't make a lot of money or the government will tax you so much you'll be poor. You don't want to be poor, right?
-After getting out of college do not dare go into graduate school unless they agree to pay for everything. By everything, I mean everything: loan debt of any kind, costs related to future jobs, future unemployment, future potential dependents. If they cannot even pay for vices that you might choose to take up while in grad school, it is better to eschew any knowledge related to postgraduate work.
-When you graduate and you think that your degree will not land you a job in your field at all, no worry. You can always come on down to Dan's Degree Mill Emporium and pay for a better degree at discounted prices.
-Degree mills get a bad rap, but who cares because you can still get a good job with a degree from one. Like me or example, I work at Dan’s Degree Mill Emporium.
-Some people have difficulty getting hired with a degree from a degree mill. In this unlikely event, you can still get gainful employment at one of the nation’s many job mills.
-If you are forced to confront the true purposelessness of your degree, it will make you quickly turn into an existentialist. You'll spend nights bumming people out at your local coffee shop and then inspiring them to throw off slave morality.
-If you graduate with a humanities degree, then your degree will make you the most successful. You'll likely spend hours writing on Facebook with philosophical clarity about how you wish you had a good job. You will spend afternoons reading Leo Tolstoy, Herman Melville, and Fyodor Dostoevsky. You'll spend so much time reading because you will not want to confront how your friend's science degree has landed her a fantastic job as a field technician.
-Now that you've finally graduated there is a lot that you must do, but surely the most important thing to do right now is to rethink your major.
-If you're having trouble finding a job after graduate school then it might be because you graduated from the prestigious Futile Masters and Doctorate Polytechnic. (Not to be confused with Dan’s Futile Masters and Doctorate Emporium)
-Most people seek a calling and follow it for many years only to find that what they really wanted was a loving family. While you were in college, the love of your life followed a different path instead of meeting you. Sometimes they’ll feel a strange stirring in their soul that they can’t explain, and it’s the longing they feel or a life that could have been, had you only decided against going to college. Multiverse theory can’t be proven with 100% certainty, but you already know that since you went to college to learn about the multiverse instead of meeting the love of your life.
-Graduate school is not for everyone. It is only for brilliant people like myself who discovered Dan’s Futile Masters and Doctorate Emporium(just off Highway 3, behind the Denny’s)
-If all else fails and your degree ails to help you, not to worry as you can always get a job writing comedy on Twitter.