Explain THAT, Science!: Evolution

Content note: implied bestiality


By creationist Harry Trunckles

Evolution is a LIE LIE LIE! Yelling that may make my position seem weak, but if you just knew how much of a lie evolution is you'd be yelling it too.

For those of you fortunate enough not to know about it, Evolution is the myth proposed by Charles Darwin in 1750 to justify his desire for sex with monkeys. According to the sacred texts of Darwinism, man evolved from dolphins. No, no, wait...let me correct that. Evolution says that man and woman evolved from dolphins of both sexes or was it just one sex? Look, whatever dolphin sex it is, I would just like to say the theory is wrong.

Can I be expected to believe that out of nowhere two rocks came together and made my Ford truck? No! But that's just the stuff evolutionists want you to believe. They want you to believe that two eyes just plopped into your cat's eyeless disembodied head, which then attached to your cat's headless body.

Look I'm not trying to attack a strawman when it comes to evolution, but evolutionists think the Earth is 40 trillion-years-old. Basically they believe it is more old than the Universe itself (6,500-years-old)! But how could that be?

Biologists all agreed one hundred years ago that life couldn't come from non-life. But now they changed their mind! I think where most secular scientists go wrong is when they watch too many zombie movies. Hollywood has infiltrated their minds with the idea that once dead things can emerge alive and well. You wouldn't think that combining your vacuum cleaner, some toothpaste, and olive oil would produce something living. But I'm sure Hollywood could make you believe it if you just watched enough movies based on that concept.

Let me just give you a picture of how absurd the evolution theory is. 40 trillion years ago the world came into being (which doesn't make any sense because the Universe hadn't been created yet!) when two rocks smacked into each other at 20 miles per hour. Look, this doesn't explain where the rocks came from, who made the rocks, or how the scientists even knew what speed they were traveling at. And don't you need a Universe for those rocks to be floating around in? Anyway, it gets worse. Eyeless cat heads and headless cat bodies are for no apparent reason just flopping around. But a spark of lightning just comes together and brings these random body parts into one full being: a cat. Now this cat evolves into most of the species around our planet. Where did the dolphins come from? Well...where else? Dolphin parts that weren’t previously mentioned. The next thing the scientists say is that humans evolved from dolphins. But here's a flaw: why didn't the humans just evolve from human parts like every other animal? This theory just has way too many holes!

Look I'm not proposing any new theory for the diversity and origin of life. But according to this Bible I bought from the Raëlian Church, the explanation has something to do breasts, aliens, and the breasts of aliens.

This was a sample chapter from our book, Explain THAT, Science!

It's currently legal to buy a copy.

Conservative Healthcare Tips

Content note: victim blaming, assault, guns

Many people are worried about what they’ll do if the Affordable Care Act is repealed, as many GOP politicians have promised to do. If that happens, everything will be just fine. Here are some useful tips brought to you by the Conservative Lifestyle Coalition of American Freedom to make this transition a bit easier.

-Expensive healthcare plans can be difficult to manage on a low income. You should chose to make more money.

-Often the biggest expenses can come from having to pay a high deductible after your covered visits are exhausted. You can avoid visiting the doctor that often by not getting sick or injured or having any chronic health problems.

-Remember that whatever health problems you have are probably the result of bad decisions that you alone are responsible. This won’t help with costs, just remember that it’s your fault.

-If you ever begin to feel like socialized medicine might be a better system just remember that it’s important to be fiscally responsible. It would be better to just keep going to the ER and accruing debt that you can’t pay off. At least that system is fiscally responsible.

-Really when you stop to think about it, going to the doctor at all is a bit too much top-down interference. Just let the “free market” that is your internal organ set-up determine whether you live or die. No need to drag meddling “experts” in.

-A good many people are being driven to “alternative” medicines to allow them to self-medicate without pesky regulations interfering with their choices. This is clearly a good thing and will never be abused by opportunistic scam artists. Basically, the more regulations you have, the less efficient things go. So if you have no regulations at all your body will work at it’s most efficient yet, getting you from birth to the grave in record time. 

-If you are not able to afford insurance and can’t get Medicaid because it has been justly cut to near non-existence, try to make sure that you use the goons hired by the collection agency to get treatment. Instead of getting that expensive knee surgery, just say “What are ya gonna do, break my legs?” Then the brutal assault on your knees will commence making your legs just fine. OK, it might not fix it, but it can’t make it any worse, your knees are pretty fucked up.

-Your healthcare problems could really just be fixed by an attitude change. It’s time to stop letting “disease” victimize you. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Especially if the disease you have has something to do with droopy boots.

-Some injuries might be caused by violence perpetrated by other people. Just in case, you should make sure you are heavily armed at all times. Yes, guns are an expensive thing to keep around, but spending hundreds of dollars a month buying guns is surely cheaper than having healthcare. It’s a preventative measure.

If these tips don’t help, just remember that if we had socialized medicine the streets would be littered with corpses because of long lines in the hospital. Then socialized mortuaries would be clogged up with long lines. The point is that we must make any and all sacrifices to avoid long lines.